Jack Bauer is JACQUIE BAUER!
by Screwball McNalley
Summary: Jack Bauer has to go undercover as a teenage girl. Oh what fun. Mwaha. Please RR! It'll make my day!
1. Chapter 1

"Like, omigod!" Jack giggled with the rest of the girls. He kept his pitch the same as theirs. He had to. He was one of . . .them.

Teenage girls.

23:0023:0023:00look23:0023:00at23:00the23:00numbers23:0023:00only:23:00the23:0023:00numbers23:00wooooooo23:00pretty23:00green23:00numbers23:00

Jack sighed to himself as he shut the door to his "parents'" apartment. Why, oh why had George Mason given him this undercover assignment of posing as a teenage girl? Maybe it was because Jack had changed the sign on his office door to 'Slap-head'. Ah well. What was done was done. He would just have to make the most of it.

"Jack?" Tony's voice sounded from CTU through his earpiece.

"What do you want?" replied a disgruntled Jack.

"Ooooh! Sounds like it's someone's _"time of month" _again, eh?" Jack heard barely muffled

laughter in the background.

"Tony, you asshole! Am I on speaker-phone!"

Just then Nina's voice chipped in. "Do you need me to buy you some tampons? Hehe…"

"Hey, I thought you were in jail for treason?"

Tony, now also confused, said "Yeah, why aren't you in jail?"

"Eeeeerrrr…..I am…..this is all your imagination…..wooooo….waves arms around in a mystical manner, then turns and runs"

"Anyway, Jack," Tony was back on the line now. "We need you to go to a party tonight with the rest of the girls. An informant informed us with some information. In an informative way."

"Who is the informant?"

"Your ass."

"What? How would my ass tell you that?" Jack asked.

Tony, now flustered, searched for a witty and scathing insult... "Er…er…er..I know you are but what am I?" He hung up.

Jack sat on the bed. "Oh great," he muttered to himself, "now I have to find some good shoes for tonight!"


	2. Chapter 2

'Jacquie' Bauer had finally managed to find a good pair of shoes and a nice frock to go with it.

"Well, this won't do much for my street cred, but if I can help the country by dressing as a transvestite, then so be it!"

(The U.S.A national anthem starts to play, and a waving American flag appears from nowhere)

"For I am Jacquie Bauer, and it is my job, nay, my **duty** to protect my country, and so help me if I …"

"Jack, will you quit launching into those goddamn speeches and get ready!" Tony's voice cut in from CTU.

"Just let me finish will you! Anyway, where was I? Oh yes…fail."

"Happy now?"

"Oh leave me alone! You men don't understand me!" (Starts sobbing)

"Er…Jack?...Jack?"

"Oh. Right. Cough." Think masculine thoughts…I am the macho man…MACHO MACHO MAAAAAAN!

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(At the party)

(Jack is talking into his earpiece to CTU)

"What do I do now?"

"Just try to blend in." came the reply.

"Ooh, I know! I'll dance!"

"Jack, I don't think that's such a good idea…remember the Christmas party?"

Jack thought back, and sure enough, chilling memories came seeping back of when he last tried to dance…there were three casualties…only two of them made it…but, hey, some good had come out of it! Jack _had_ learned not to break-dance with a loaded gun still in his holster!

"I don't care Tony. That was in the past, I have to learn from my mistakes and move on."

"Exactly. Learn _NEVER_ to dance!"

"Screw you."

"Screw you more"

Just then Michelle broke in. "Is there some kind of homo-erotic subtext I don't know about here?"

(On the dance-floor)

Jack was busy strutting his –no-her-no-his...anyways, stuff on the dance-floor when one of his "girlfriends" came over.

"Jacquie, what the hell are you doing!"

"I'm dancing!" he panted.

"You look like a duck having a seizure! Stoppit! It is, like, sooooo uncool!"

"Awwww…it was the cha-cha slide…"

"No Jacquie. It was the cha-cha-_died_. Now come back over by the drinks, and you might be able to pull."

Jacquie had been stood by the drinks table for about half an hour when he suddenly realised that he needed to use the bathroom.

"Er…_girlfriends_" (oh how wrong that felt) " I need to use the little b-er-_girl's_ room, I'll be back in a moment."

"What? Oh, I'll come with you!" Rhiannon decided, which was followed by a chorus of 'me too'.

"Oh. I don't know…" he began, "you guys should stay here…those guys are like, totally checking you out!"

"Well then, we'd better go freshen up!"

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(in the girls' room)

"Erm…Jacquie…" Rhiannon began, eyes on the floor at the bottom of Jack's cubicle, "why are you stood up facing the loo? What, d'you, like, have a penis or something?"

Jack stepped out of the cubicle. His face was like stone. Stone with about half a kilo of make-up on.

"I'm sorry Rhiannon. I am afraid I'm going to have to kill you now. Death by……BREAKDANCE!"

(Run DMC began to play in the background, and alas! Rhiannon was no more.)


	3. Inside the mind of JACQUIE BAUER

**Inside the mind of Jacquie Bauer…damn this dude's fucked up…sorry, back to the story…**

_Jack-tain's Log, star-date: year of the Pythagoras_…(teh fook?)…

_Here I am, already in the second month of my undercover mission: "Operation Prettified". My life is confusing…all these changes – my name, my body, my gender…_

_At the beginning, I found it hard to cope. I remember staring at myself in the mirror when I was wearing my frock before I went to that party…and what a pretty frock it was..._

_I have to shave my underarms and my legs now…geez, I feel sorry for real women…and that time when Michelle "accidentally" forgot to tell me that I didn't actually have to **wear** the tampon, I just had to buy a pack…I couldn't walk straight for weeks…_

_I worry about what would happen if Kim found out about this mission – about how I'm dressing and how I'm living…Would it scar her for life? Traumatise her? Make her scared of ever falling in love, only to find out that her "man" is a woman! Then again…she probably just take a picture, post it on the internet, and spend the next few weeks pissing herself laughing…I know one thing I would never let her do though : let her borrow my clothes! The little bitch wouldn't give me them back. They're my clothes…hiiiissss my…precious…_

_This is all so bizarre…so confusing…_

_I feel so strange…and, yet, dare I say : Pretty?_

_Love, Jacquie _

_xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_


	4. Bitch fight

Jacquie had his eyes on the prize. He was focused. He had found his mark and he would let nothing come between him and getting the mark.

Alert, he crept through the crowded mall. There were so many civilians there; he knew he would have to be careful.

Suddenly, his target was in his eye-line. Whipping out his handgun, he yelled:

"GET DOWN! EVERYBODY GET AWAY FROM THE STORE!" Mass panic ensued, and, as always, there was one stray shopper not doing as they were told.

"I SAID GET AWAY FROM THOSE SHOES, BITCH! I SAW THEM FIRST!"

The woman spun on her prada heels. "Oh yeah? Bring it, biatch!"

Jacquie leapt at the shopper, dragging her to the ground. The woman jumped up, wiped her bleeding mouth, and screamed "You're gonna have to do better than that!" before he felt an elbow dig into his ribs. Jacquie pushed the shopper away. Suddenly, he saw his chance. It was just a small opening, but it was a glimmer of hope.

"Look! George Clooney!" He pointed wildly behind the woman.

"OOOH! WHERE?"

Mustering all the strength left in him, Jacquie bitch-slapped the rival shopper, and watched her skid to a halt by the tobacco stand.

"Hah! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!"

Jacquie picked up the much-sought after shoes and walked over to the sales assistant. He read the name-badge on her chest: Mange.

"Listen here, er, Mange…do you have these in a size 7?"

Just then, some strange person called Caitlin ran by and shouted "HAHA! You have a small penis!"

Jacquie turned and shot her in the face. With an evil glare. Then with a gun.

"H-h-here you are…sir…ma'am…person…" stammered the frightened sales assistant.

"Thank you."

Jacquie pulled the shoes onto her feet, and stood on the ex-shopper and ex-bystander.

"GASP! I LOOK SO THEXY!"


	5. CTU confrontation

**A/N. This, I do believe, is probably going to be the second to last chapter. Thanks for the reviews! I think I'll do a follow-up on life after prettyfied.**

Jacquie Bauer burst through the doors of CTU, running towards the bullpen like a bat out of hell. At that very moment, Driscoll walked through playing some heavy Meatloaf riffs on an electric guitar, and fired several people at the same time.

Curtis, being the secretly emotional person he was, flicked the "slow-motion" switch. Jacquie leaped through the air in slow-mo…until Driscoll yelled that the slow-mo costs money, and turned it off. Jacquie plummeted to earth again, or more precisely, fell on top of Chloe's desk. "Jack! Get off my desk, it's against protocol!"

"Sorry Chloe."

Jacquie scrambled to his feet, and looked to the crowd of gawping Feds. He saw his daughter, Kim, looking rather shocked and traumatised by it all. On seeing the one person he had missed the whole time, and wanted nothing more then to hug, he scooped them up in a bear hug.

"Ow! Put me down!" squawked Tony.

"I'm sorry, Tony, but…I'm in love with you!"

"Oh, Jacquie! You're the only girl for me!" he yelled, returning the hug.

Michelle Dessler's jaw was somewhere around her ankles at this point, as she watched her husband and the head of field ops declare their undying love for each other. "Er…Tony? Would you mind explaining this?" Tony detached himself from Jacquie, and turned himself to his wife to explain everything.

"I'm sorry, Michelle. It was good while it lasted, but, I'm afraid you're just not woman enough for me."

"But…but…Jacquie isn't even a woman! Jacquie is Jack Bauer!"

Jacquie/Jack looked shocked and began to cry.

"Now look what you've done!" Tony shouted at Michelle. "You've made my girlfriend cry!" He turned to Jacquie, and murmured "Don't worry about them, honey. All that matters is that we're together. You're more of a woman than they'll ever be!"

Three hours later, and Kim was still curled up, shaking and sobbing in the corner while Chase attempted to comfort her.

Driscoll turned and called over to Chase: "Chase, sort her out, she's putting people of their work! That's wasting time! Time is money! Gah! Yes, indeedy. Harumph."

"Driscoll piss off, she's just been scarred for life." he countered. All the same, he put a blanket over her small, curled up frame to hide her. He then put a vase of flowers on top of her. "Well, you can be traumatised _and_ a pretty design feature!" he reasoned.

Michelle meanwhile, was busy putting batteries into Tony's cup of coffee, and putting tacks onto Jacquie's chair. Chase watched her mutter to herself "Little bitch steal my husband…wanker…I'll go sleep with his best friend…ha! Who is his best friend?" A clamour of hands from the male staff at CTU shot up at this last part. Edgar was the nearest to Michelle, until Curtis hip-bounced him away. He put on the most charming smile he could do, and said "I'm Tony's best friend."

"Meh. You'll do." and he and Michelle strolled off into the sunset, Curtis meanwhile laughing and pulling faces triumphantly at the rest of the guys at CTU.


End file.
